29 Sep Fixing Sex in Your Marriage
Sex just not what it once was? Been married for a while? Has the bedroom become the “boring” room? Do you wonder if your spouse cares more for the television / computer / [whatever] than your sexual needs/desires? Well, you’re not alone. Husbands and wives fall quietly to sleep every night with unmet sexual needs/desires – creating a trail of resentment and frustration. Take a look at these steps to better sex in your marriage.
Have a “talk” with your husband/wife. WAIT, hang with me for a minute – this is worth it. Start the conversation off like this. “Sweetie, you know I love you, but we both know our sex life sucks and we need better, we deserve better, I deserve more just as you deserve more. I’m willing to make a commitment to work very hard to improve our sex life, but I need a commitment from you too. Before you tune me out – I would like for us to work on some stuff I found in this article. I believe it will help us.” At this point, either you AND your spouse will be willing to WORK on this “problem” or you won’t.
First, both of you need an open mind. It’s critical both of you are willing to gain an “understanding” of the other. You MUST discover each other’s sexual NEEDS and DESIRES. Even if you’ve been married for 10 years or more – sexual needs/desires might have changed or never been discovered. Sometimes, particularly with sex, we’re afraid to let our spouse know what we want or need. Perhaps we’re ashamed or embarrassed? Regardless, if you don’t know what your spouse needs/desires – it’s not likely he/she will be fulfilled. Both husband and wife should do some serious thinking about what you need sexually from each other. Often, men and women are polar opposites in their sexual needs. That’s OK and it’s normal. Both husband and wife should make a written list of those needs/desires.
The next step is where the “rubber meets the road” in your sex life. Often, we have a “selfish” focus when it comes to sex. That’s OK AS-LONG-AS we also have a commitment to put our SELF aside and give our spouse what he/she needs sexually. Hollywood has given the world an unrealistic model of a healthy sexy life. Husband and wives don’t “magically” find sexual fulfillment in the same “activities” or even at the same time. A healthy sex life requires a lot of giving. For instance, often women need intimacy to feel sexually fulfilled. This could require that a husband spend extra time before AND after “intercourse” cuddling, etc. – maybe she only wants to cuddle without intercourse? How many times have you heard a woman say “He gets what he wants – has his orgasm – then off he goes.”? That woman isn’t being fulfilled. Men are usually less complicated. Men usually have certain sexual “things” in mind that they want to do (or have done to them). Ladies, DON’T underestimate the power of your man’s sex drive. Those “things” might seem silly, gross or whatever, but to your man – they are essential to the sexual health of your marriage. PLEASE don’t make your man feel bad about these sexual “things”. Please do your best to fulfill his needs and desires. Just taking his “odd” sexual needs seriously and showing a desire to fulfill them could rejuvenate your sex life. When I say “odd”, I’m not talking about “twisted” sexual practices. I’m talking about positions and activities you would find in an average “husband & wife” sex book.
Lastly, I know you’re tired. I know the kids need attention and I know we all have a lot of things going on in our lives. However, keeping sexual needs/desires met is sort of like keeping the lawn mowed, the dishes washed, the house clean, the car running well, etc. If you truly seek a GREAT sex life with your spouse – be prepared to work at it each and every day. Not only will you see improvement in your sex life – joy will spill over into other parts of your relationship as well. One last word to the ladies: Your husband is more interested in what you’re willing to DO to satisfy his needs / desires than HOW you look! It’s true. Last word to the guys: Don’t try to “perform” in the bedroom. She’s not interested in your performance. She’s interested in your willingness to truly LISTEN to her, connect with her in an intimate way and show her your desire to keep her sexually fulfilled. She needs it from you. Make the commitment to each other – you deserve it – and learn to enjoy each other.